How do you deal with normal levels of disappointment making it hard for you to set or maintain boundaries? I don't mean genuinely abusive stuff like being screamed at or badgered until you give in to what someone else wants. I mean stuff like someone having disappointed body language or seeming less happy than they did before you said no to something they wanted. I do think having ppl disappointed in you sometimes is normal but I don't know how to cope with it. Any advice?
This is something I still struggle with, but basically what it comes down to is letting go of the idea that you have to (or can) make everything okay.
Sometimes there are situations where two people’s wants or needs are just incompatible. Their position is “I will be happy if you do X,” your position is “I will be unhappy if I do X,” and neither of you is being manipulative or dishonest or anything. You just can’t create a situation where both of you are happy.
And that’s okay. It doesn’t mean you should have made yourself unhappy for their sake, because no, your happiness matters too. Considering your own wants and needs isn’t selfish or mean. It’s exactly the same as what they were doing when they asked you for X.
Also, and even more importantly: good people wouldn’t want you to make yourself unhappy on their behalf. Good people may look disappointed because they’re sad that there isn’t a “we both like X! yay!” scenario, but that’s being disappointed with a fact of life, not with you, because they’re not sad that you didn’t force yourself to X.
Y’know people say shit about social media along the lines of ‘OMG no one cares what anyone had for breakfast’ and like.
I do? I care. I’m pretty sure a lot of people care. I want to hear that the people I care about are having delicious breakfasts or saw something odd at work or flirted with a cute barista. Or just any little thoughts they have that they feel are worth sharing.
I’ve always kind of assumed that’s how you’re supposed to feel about your friends.
Tone is important. When you say things the right way, it can increase the number of people who are willing to listen to you.
But that only goes so far. No matter how good you are at framing things, some things that need to be said will upset people who feel entitled to be comfortable. And, when you upset people who feel entitled to comfort, they will lash out at you. This is not your fault; it is theirs. Tone has its limits.
Also, getting tone right is really hard. No one starts out good at tone; it’s a very difficult skill that you can only learn with practice. And the only way to get practice is to spend a lot of time talking to people about controversial things. Which means that, in order to get good at tone, you’re going to have to spend a lot of time talking about these things while you’re still bad at tone.
People who mean well and genuinely want you to be heard understand this, and will encourage you to keep speaking up and keep working on your skills at speaking up effectively. People who want you to shut up about the things you’re talking about will try to make you feel horrible about your tone and convince you that your tone means you have no right to say anything.
Sometimes, when people say that you should be more careful about tone so that you can be heard, what they really mean is “I don’t want to hear that, shut up and say something else I’m willing to listen to”.
Don’t believe those people, and don’t shut up. The most important thing is to keep talking. If you are bad at tone, some people will refuse to hear you. If you are good at tone, some people will still refuse to hear you. If you say nothing for fear of getting the tone wrong, no one will hear you.
Shutting up won’t get you heard. Speaking up might.
I am very bad at tone. I nearly lost my job because of not using the appropriate tone with both staff and students. I am sure some people don’t like me - and I think this is a major cause of my social anxiety - because of the tone I use for even non-controversial things. But I have a lot of feelings about controversial things that I avoid communicating because I know the tone I tend to use will upset people/make them feel uncomfortable. So, this is a really important skill that I need to learn, else start wearing a badge that says ‘the tone I use probably won’t be appropriate but please forgive it and listen to me anyway’.
If you’re having trouble with tone in professional contexts, I’d suggest reading through the Ask A Manager blog. She has a lot of really helpful posts on how to communicate in professional settings, including how to give and receive effective feedback.
“It depends on what is being offered as ‘awareness’. There is a very real reason why autistic people do NOT want to be part of the awareness being offered. The fear being stirred up in the media over epidemics, and cures and shit. To ask for unification with this kind of awareness is to ask autistic people to sell themselves short, to align with the popular concept being peddled as awareness is not ok. If the awareness promoted acceptance, well and good! But it doesn’t promote this. It promotes myths and ignorance. It promotes non autistic people speaking for autistic people and telling the world what they feel they should hear. The voices of autistic people are being used in many forms, and it’s about time the world started listening to what WE are saying, rather than what charities and government organisations are saying we want. Parents of autistic children who are not autistic themselves also need to listen to autistic voices here. It’s too important not to.”—Linda West (via autisticfandomthings)
if i ever say/do anything problematic CALL ME THE FUCK OUT bc i would rather be embarrassed of myself for a while and make a very public apology than live forever as a smug asshole who doesn’t know shit about anything
I’d rather teen girls reading nothing but terribly written fanfics about their favorite OTPs that express healthy and emotionally-sound romantic relationships than “great literature” that teaches them they are prizes to be won or creatures to be controlled or destroyed.
Fuck yeah to the kids who feel like they’re dying inside but still gather up the strength to roll out of bed, get dressed, and leave the house. You are strong and beautiful and worth so much more than you know.
I see people like “why can’t tumblr ever just LIKE a piece of media, why do you have to pick it apart and find every last flaw?” and like. you do realize that’s reactionary, right? As I see it, it’s in reaction to two things.